White Australians Sign Blanket Confession

JANUARY 1, 2020. CANBERRA: White Australians have followed their South African counterparts ten years to the day, by offering to sign a blanket confession, accepting blame for all current and future setbacks in the country, from non-delivery by Australia’s first all Indigenous Federal Government, the Aboriginal National Congress (ANC) to European athletics officials doing gender tests, in the interests of more efficient government and to save precious time and tax money being wasted on paranoid racist witch-hunts.

The decision follows the latest statements by government, implying that White Australians were racist for not going to Mabo International Airport to cheer returning athletes. According to a spokesman for White Australians, it was time for Whites to “cut to the chase” and to accept blame for everything, ever, from now until the end of time, in the interests of efficient government.

“Service delivery is being derailed because senior ministers are being forced to spend so much time trying to find new ways of pinning their failures on whites,” explained spokesman Whitey Cracker-Blanco, “which is the fault of the whites, if you think about it”. He said that a recent study had revealed that blaming Whites was the second largest consumer of ministers’ time, after rolling around in the Treasury vault and giving each other high fives. Service delivery was 14th on the list, just behind hot rock treatments and being measured for ill-fitting suits.

“Whites are desperate to contribute to this society,” explained Cracker-Blanco, “but they find themselves demonized by their government at almost every turn. Which is why accepting all blame for everything ever is a really great compromise : we speed up service delivery by minimizing finger-pointing, and we don’t confuse or upset the government because God forbid anyone in government should ever have to think”.

Cracker-Blanco said that Australian Whites were still working out which crimes they were currently guilty of, and which they were likely to commit in the future, but he said it was likely that whites would “cop to pretty much everything. It’s a historical fact that we started World War 1 and World War 2,” he said. “Okay, not us personally, but that’s a distinction this government can’t seem to make”.

He said that local Whites “deeply regretted” their current activities in Darfur, Iraq, the West Bank and New Zealand, but added that they might have stayed at home and not gone on genocidal rampages if the ABC starting making watchable television. “We’d obviously also like to accept full responsibility for the break-up of the ANC in the next ten years, when they finally disintegrate amid turf wars and clique squabbles, and the whole thing bogs down in a swamp of graft, sleaze and the odd political assassination, we just want to say : mea culpa. We should have done more”.

He also apologized for global warming – “If only we hadn’t had so many barbecues” – and said that Whites “truly regretted” causing the inevitable cooling of our sun, the collapse of our solar system, and the ultimate disintegration of the Universe.

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