Jokes

[Lupul Daciei]

TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

[Lupul Daciei]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"


Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[Lupul Daciei]

A nigger, a mexiturd, and a kike walk into a bar.

The bar owner says: "Get the fuck out!"

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So the Mayor of Chicago kept getting complaints about the pigeons in Grant Park. So he offered a $10,000 bounty to anyone who could alleviate this problem.

So this guy shows up with a beautiful pink pigeon, and the pink pigeon starts to fly in circles around the park. Soon all the pigeons were following it, swirling around the park.

Once all the pigeons were following it, it took off and flew to the middle of Lake Michigan and dived in. (Pigeons can't fly with wet wings so they all drowned.)

So the guy goes to the Mayor's office to collect his $10,000 bounty and the mayor gladly pays him and asks, " Do you have any pink niggers?"

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The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.

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America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

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Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

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Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

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Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for
housing prisoners.

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If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and It started
to sink, who would be saved? .... America !

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Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

Even my spell check thinks Pelosi and Obama are wrong.

[SShafer]

Now that's some funny shit.

[Lupul Daciei]

Mother is cleaning her 12 year old sons bedroom and finds bondage gear and bondage and fetish mags, shocked she goes to her husband and shows him. She says "what are we going to do"? "I don't know" he replies "but whatever you do don't fucking spank him."


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What's the difference between a ton of coal and a thousand Jews? Jews burn longer.

Two Jewish children are sitting on top of a roof near a chimney. A passer-by asks, 'What are you doing there?' 'We are waiting for our parents.'

What were Jews used for in connection with the 1936 Olympics? For the cindertrack and the Olympic flame.

Is the "Holocaust" really the worst tradgedy in history? No!! Consider the white death camps of Stalin's Siberian slave labor camps. Estimates run as high as 20 million, some of my ancestors died in the Gulags. Consider the killing fields of Cambodia (1975). One million killed by the Pol Pot regime in one week. More facts from history could be found. Why is this "Holocaust" getting all the limelight? Simple, look at the generous reparations paid out. Communist Russia and Pol Pot were bankrupt from the start.

We apologise in advance to any Jewish person who is offended by our jokes, but bad things happen to everyone, and claiming that your suffering deserves some sort of pity to a level beyond the respect that catholic sainthood has given people is so fucking self-centered that it makes us sick. You are not special because you suffered. Can you say Salem Witch Trials? Did the witches get their own country after the church tried to exterminate them? Shut your self-serving mouths and get over it.

A Rabbi addresses a group of Jews in a Nazi concentration camp. The Rabbi says "My fellow Jews, I have some good news and some bad news: The good news is, we are all going to England... but the bad news is we are all going as lampshades!"

There once was a jewboy named Solly,
Who spent all his life making lolly,
But we turned the gas on,
Old Solly did pass on
And now he's a lampshade and brolly!

[Lupul Daciei]

A little old Jewish woman sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.

Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunchtime, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke.

One day, as the young man passed the old woman's stand and left his quarter as usual, the Jewish woman spoke to him.

Without blinking an eye she said: "They're 35 cents now."

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Due to claims of racism, the makers of the popular board game Cluedo have introduced a black character, so now you only have to work out how and where he did it.

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A German, British and American doctor are in a lively debate about who has the greatest healthcare system in the world. The German says, "It's simple that we do in Germany. Just last week a guy came in my office with no legs. I cut the legs off a goat attaching them to his stumps and in one week he was out looking for work." The British doctor replies" Big deal. I had a man die in my office of a heart attack. I took the heart from a cow, revived him, and in three days he was looking for work."

The American doctor said "You guys are a joke. Last year I was working in Chicago, and they brought a monkey in my office with no brain. I stuck him in the whitehouse, and now everybody is looking for work".