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Reverend Billy in life and death


As many of you know Reverend Billy;u=100 and I were both soldiers. We first met on a joint exercise with the Australian and US Armies called Kangaroo. Kangaroo exercises in my time (the 80's) were held in North Queensland just outside of a town called Rockhampton (just ask Reverend Shaun;u=710 about that area) in the tropics.

One day I entered a bar looking for a cold beer, when I spied a little man no more than 30 centimetres tall playing a tiny little piano. Amazing I said and asked where did such a fellow come from. The barman gave me my drink and pointed me to a corner where sat a US Army Ranger sergeant in walking out dress sipping at an almost empty glass of Guinness stout. It was Billy and he agreed to tell me the secret of the 30 centimetre piano player if I bought him another drink.

So I bought him another drink and he proceeded to tell me his secret. While on a mission in Central America kidnapping an American drug baron to take back to the United States to face a trial, he had stumbled across an ancient Aztec ritual site and found a tiny little clay urn just big enough to fit in his pocket. Billy thinking that it must have been fortuitous for that urn to have survived so many hundreds of years after the fall of the Aztec empire, kept it with him from then on as a good luck memento. Some time later, he found himself in the bar where I met him and he pulled out the the miniature urn. Thinking it was filthy and needed a clean, he pulled out his handkerchief and was giving it a thorough wipe down when a genie dressed as a Mexican bandito appeared from nowhere!

"Hola!" said the genie. "You have one wish and only one wish. What is your wish, señor?"

Billy then told me how he still reeling from the shock, wished for the first thing that popped into his mind. "Si señor," said the genie, and sure enough, from nothing popped a 30 centimetre tall piano player complete with tiny piano.

"Amazing!" I said. "Will it work for me?" After taking another sip of his Guinness, Billy silently placed the ancient Aztec miniature urn on the table and told me to give it a try, but not to expect anything.

I seized the urn with anticipation of gold and riches, but being an eighteen year old soldier I knew what I really wanted. I whipped out my handkerchief and began polishing that tiny urn like my life depended on it when suddenly the Mexican genie appeared just as Billy had told me. "Hola!" said the genie. "You have one wish and only one wish. What is your wish, señor?"

"Yes," said I. And I told the genie my wish.

"Si señor," said the genie and he waved his hands in the air in a complex pattern and suddenly, a thousand ducks came flying through the door of the bar coming to roost on every perch, and ever nook and cranny in the pub.

I turned to the genie and said, "What are you? Deaf or what? I didn't wish for a thousand Ducks!"

Whereupon Billy looking up from his drink declared in an angry but loud Southern accent, "And I didn't wish for no 12 inch pianist neither!"


As you all know, Reverend Billy recently passed on after dying of lead poisoning.

A promise he made to me before dying was to come back if he could find a way. Not being a believer in the after life, I mocked him. Now I'm not so sure if I was right to do so.

Last night, Billy came to me in a dream and spoke to me for a long time about life after death.

His main concern was to warn me that there is life after death and it's not everything the Christinsane make it out to be either. Of course this could be because Reverend Billy exists in Hell with just about every other soul that ever existed. Apparently only the Jehovah's Witnesses got it right. Go figure  :-\

Reverend Billy's description of Hell is that it consists entirely of four rooms and Lucifer himself gives you a tour of the facilities when you first enter his domain. After the tour, you are able to pick which room you wish to spend eternity in. There is no second choice.

With Lucifer as his guide, Reverend Billy found that the first room had a group of people just standing there up to their waist in human effluent.

The second also had effluent but the people in there were up to their chests in it.

The third room like the first had people standing there in human effluent but this time it was reaching their lower lip!

Reverend Billy told me in my dream that he thought things could only get worse from there in until he discovered the fourth and last room which had people standing there just ankle deep in human effluent and drinking cups of tea. "That's the room for me!" cried Reverend Billy. So after gleefully signing the Luciferian contract to remain in his chosen room for all eternity, Reverend Billy was quietly let into what he thought of as the tea room and left with his new brothers where he would eternally remain.

Reverend Billy was handed a freshly made cup of the best tea he had ever tasted, and joked with his nearest neighbour that it would be hell without a good cup of coffee, he smiled and thought of how much worse it could be after seeing the other three rooms. Standing there in human effluent up to his ankles sipping a nice fresh cup of tea wasn't so bad after all. "Hell aint no bad place to be" Reverend Billy had just said to his nearest neighbour, when an announcement came over an invisible loud speaker ...

"Alright everyone, tea break's over. Back on your heads!"


that's pretty damn good there!   ;D



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